These are my very real, honest thoughts straight from my journal. My intention is not to hurt anyone by sharing my heart; but rather to share what I used to believe and have struggled to let go of, and how I am moving into new territory of learning to rest in the mystery of God and His mercy, grace and love for me…and you.
“Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before, but rather allowing what is now to move us closer to God.” Ram Dass
I don’t ever want to go back…
to the intense shame • to the cage of religion • to the belief that God will lock me out of Heaven if I don’t get my act together • to relationships that kept me in bondage • to treating my daughter like a project rather than a uniquely created-by-God individual • to a church service being a chore rather than something I get to do • to cutting people out of my life who don’t believe in the same way • to trying to please everyone to the point of exhaustion, frustration and resentment • to believing that one man who stands on a pulpit every weekend is the voice of God • to thinking that people who have never walked a mile in my shoes have the answers for my life • to thinking that every difficult thing that happens to me is God’s punishment • to being so crazy busy with church work that I don’t have time to “Be still and Know He is God” • to thinking I have to be someone else in order for God to love me • to not allowing myself to feel the pain just so I can make everyone else comfortable • to telling others what they “should” be “doing” to be faithful followers rather than letting the Good News drive their love and service • to exclusively reading Christian books, listening to Christian music, and learning from Christian teachers • to being a platform builder for others’ agendas • to thinking people get sick and die because their faith wasn’t strong enough • to thinking people struggle financially because they don’t give enough • to thinking there’s a “right” way to pray • to thinking if I or someone else struggles with depression that we are not “saved” • to thinking that my own Creator can’t stand to look at me (see Psalm 139) • to wearing a mask so I can pretend I’m “holier than thou” and so I don’t “ruin my witness” • to trying to “evangelise” rather than love people where they are • to thinking my church is better than yours • to feeling guilty for resting • to thinking I’m less-than because I’m not married • to viewing God as perpetually angry and punitive • to not using my voice to speak up against teachings that are hurting God’s children • to thinking others are more righteous and deserving of His love (Romans 3:10) • to thinking suicide is the answer when I can’t seem to get my life straightened out •