I’ve been noticing lately how many times a day I say, either in my head or out loud, “I NEED TO”:

I need to clean this mess up (10 plus times a day)

I need to apologize to so and so

I need to wash my sheets

I need to freaking get off of Twitter

I need to stay away from Facebook (it makes me insane sometimes…and I’m sure some things I post make others insane.)

I need to put gas (but I’ll wait until I’m almost on empty)

I need to call mom (or I’m not a very good daughter)

I need to check-in with her (I’ve got to stay in her good graces)

I need to not make so and so mad (because he/she is my god)

I need to read one book at a time (I am a polygamist reader..just learned this term the other day)

I need to get my act together (all day, every day this plagues me)

I need to stop messing up (I’ll ruin my witness)

I need to do laundry

I need to read my Bible more

I need to pray more

I need to write a blog post (it’s been too many days since my last post)

I need to lose 80 pounds

I need to focus at work

I need to get together with friends

I need to teach Bri to drive before she graduates (what kind of mother would I be if I don’t?)

I need to have Bri’s SAT scores sent to the college

I need to get portraits done (Mom has been asking for these for awhile)

I need to go to that meeting (even though I’m exhausted)

I need to serve more

I need to rest more

I need to send that thank-you note (where are my manners?)

I need to stop hitting the snooze button

I need to pay that bill

I need to make up for that failure

I need to control my emotions

I need to do penance for that error (I think a few weeks will suffice)

I need to find out why that person doesn’t like me

I need to make them proud

I need be a better example for Briana

I need to be more successful

The constant list of “I need to” cycles through my mind. It is exhausting and it will never end as long as I live on this alien land.


I was reminded this Good Friday morning from Tullian Tchividjian’s Easter sermon from last year.

[This is what Jesus says to you]…to me…

Let me take that from you, he is saying. Give that to me instead. Let me carry it. Let me be to blame instead. I am big enough. I am wide enough. I am not what you were told. I am not your king or your judge. I am the father who longs for every last one of his children. I am the friend who will never leave you. I am the light behind the darkness. I am the shining your shame cannot extinguish. I am the ghost of love in the torture chamber. I am change and hope. I am the refining fire. I am the door where you thought there was only a wall. I am what comes after deserving. I am the Earth that drinks up the bloodstain. I am gift without cost. I am. I am. I am. Before the foundations of the world, I am. –Francis Spufford, Unapologetic


 Tullian Tchividjian Easter 2014 Sermon 


3 thoughts on “I NEED TO

  1. I hear this loud and clear. Always so many need to’s, followed by the crushing weight of guilt if I don’t. Such a bad me. But Jesus…yeah. John Lynch is a man, a preacher, and author who describes it this way: Jesus has your back. Ahh. Sweet relief to the guitly and condemned. The rush of fresh air and freedom is ushered in when we can lift our bony and tired fingers and grasp that truth. Thanks for being honest and sharing some of Tullian. I used to read his blog a couple years back.

    1. Love that! I listen to John’s sermons from time to time. Love his Truefaced Room of Grace sermon. Tullian’s sermons helped me to crawl out of the pit of depression. I was living a life of performing for others and trying to ensure I was balancing out the scales to stay in the family. Thanks so much for reading!

      1. Great sermon! Great book (The Cure), I was a rebel with my own performance stuff going on 😦 Also, I left Facebook over a month ago. Haven’t regretted it one bit. It drove me insane, too.

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