I Am Alive!!!

A prayer I wrote in the thick of depression

Sometimes I’m driving down the road, or laughing with my daughter, or hiking in my favorite park, and this tremendous wave of gratitude (I’ve never been a fan of this word-it just doesn’t seem to express what I want to express…is there another word?) that I am ALIVE washes over me.

You see, in the thick of that ugly depression the enemy convinced me I was already dead. He convinced me that God and all those who once loved me had already given up on me. He yanked my hand and tried to convince me he was the only one I could trust. He showed me how easy it would be to be done with this broken world and join him in the place where I was destined to go anyway.

I desperately needed sleep, but I was also scared to sleep. Almost every night I would dream about falling down a deep, dark hole into an inferno. I would see images of my Dad (who is in Heaven) begging the Lord to spare me. I would see my mom crying and my brothers and sister-in-law trying to console her. I would see my daughter reach out to grab me, but as soon as I hit the inferno any memory they once had of me was gone.

I would constantly, during that time, hear the scripture about the evil spirit bringing his seven buddies with him to party at the recently cleaned house. I was sure they were partying at my place. The image I have of this is humorous – I think of Casper the Friendly Ghost’s uncles, but what was happening to me (and what has happened to millions of others) is nothing to laugh about.

This is the first time I’ve written in detail about this experience, and I have only shared it with a few people. The enemy is a LIAR. God didn’t give up on me. He loves me with an everlasting love. My family still loved (loves) me and they were praying for me everyday.

I didn’t stop praying during that horrible time. Sometimes my prayers were just “Jesus, help me!” Sometimes they were “groans only the Spirit could understand.”

I am alive. I am here. I have freedom. Jesus is with me, and will never leave me. I can allow myself to really live.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10



5 thoughts on “I Am Alive!!!

  1. Just read your touching testimony over there at Liberate, Christina. It is so sad that you had to go through so much pain in your life. Mental pain is sometimes even worse than physical pain because others usually don’t see that pain from the outside. Many Christians suffered and still suffer from depression. The reasons might be different, but legalism, for sure, is something that brings believers into Satan’s bondage which has NOTHING to do with the kingdom of God which is invisible.

    I was glad to read that Liberate could help you that much with realizing that God indeed loves you unconditionally – just the way you are! ❤

    By the way, I had a long journey with bipolar depression in the past due to sexual abuse, rape, and legalism in church, and I can tell you that Jesus is indeed THE HEALER. Although it's a process until we are fully whole again, He cares so much for you……. and me……..and everyone…because our God is LOVE!

    My God bless you immensely, dear Christina!

    Much love,
    Susanne xx

    1. Hi Susanne,
      I just realized I never replied to this. I’m so sorry. Thank you for reading my blog and the Liberate post. I’m so glad you are finding healing…you have been through a lot. You are a sweet friend and maybe one day I’ll make it back to Germany and meet you in person.

  2. I am glad you found my response and I so appreciate your sweet reply, dear Christina! ❤
    Actually, I would love to meet you one day, too, be that in Germany or in the United States. But only God knows if it is part of His plan… 😉

    May He bless you so much!!

    Susanne xx

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