God's Sovereignty

He Knows

Feb 2011 pics-Cibolo Nature Center 001

I know very little about God

He knows everything about me

He knows that right now as I’m typing this, I’m shaking like a leaf

He knows that my mind has been working overtime to figure out how to pay those bills

He knows that I just read Jesus Calling and the tears started to flow

He knows that I was up at 3 a.m. and did more talking than heeded His words to BE STILL

He knows that I’ve been working through some resentments

He knows that I’m thinking I might walk up to the altar tonight to get a chip

He knows I still have a supply of masks on hand

He knows there are those few people I want to please at all costs

He knows my fear of rejection paralyzes me all too often

He knows that it’s hard for me to take life one moment at a time like the serenity prayer says

He knows that I’m so grateful that I have a safe place where it’s okay to fall apart

He knows that I can’t wait to go hiking again at my favorite place

He knows that I feel more connected to him walking on a trail by the creek than I do walking into church

He knows that I am more myself with people who admit they too are a mess desperate for His grace

He knows that I often look at my daughter and wonder how I was afforded the privilege to be her mom

He knows that I often wonder about the damage I’ve done to her precious soul

He knows I wish the world wasn’t one big masquerade ball

He knows I still have the words of those who wanted me to “just get over it” traveling through my mind

He knows that I’m laughing more these days

He knows that I’m not as scared as I used to be that He’ll leave me

He knows that sometimes I dream that I’ll find love again

He also knows that sometimes I wonder if “love again” is worth the pain

He knows that I am grateful for honest pastors

He knows that I have about 10 blog topics in my mind

He knows I weary of the striving and often just want to rest in His lap

He knows that I need reminders of his grace all day

He knows that I finally burned out on self-sufficient “checklist” Christianity

He knows that my prayers don’t follow a formula

He knows that my “quiet time” more often than not happens after a 3 a.m. panic attack

He knows that I have a pile of post-it note prayers in my desk

He knows that I want to be listened to more than given advice

He knows that Psalm 40 has been my go-to scripture lately

He knows that I love the words IT IS FINISHED

He knows more about me than what I’ve shared here or even what I know

He knows what I most desire is to BE FREE

I know that He provided the payment through His precious son, but so often I have to say “Lord, help my unbelief!”

1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God.
At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.

4-5 Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God,
turn your backs on the world’s “sure thing,”
ignore what the world worships;
The world’s a huge stockpile
of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
Nothing and no one
comes close to you!
I start talking about you, telling what I know,
and quickly run out of words.
Neither numbers nor words
account for you.

Doing something for you, bringing something to you—
that’s not what you’re after.
Being religious, acting pious—
that’s not what you’re asking for.
You’ve opened my ears
so I can listen.

7-8 So I answered, “I’m coming.
I read in your letter what you wrote about me,
And I’m coming to the party
you’re throwing for me.”
That’s when God’s Word entered my life,
became part of my very being.

9-10 I’ve preached you to the whole congregation,
I’ve kept back nothing, God—you know that.
I didn’t keep the news of your ways
a secret, didn’t keep it to myself.
I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.
I didn’t hold back pieces of love and truth
For myself alone. I told it all,
let the congregation know the whole story.

11-12 Now God, don’t hold out on me,
don’t hold back your passion.
Your love and truth
are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me,
a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt
I couldn’t see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

13-15 Soften up, God, and intervene;
hurry and get me some help,
So those who are trying to kidnap my soul
will be embarrassed and lose face,
So anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable
will be heckled and disgraced,
So those who pray for my ruin
will be booed and jeered without mercy.

16-17 But all who are hunting for you—
oh, let them sing and be happy.
Let those who know what you’re all about
tell the world you’re great and not quitting.
And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.
You can do it; you’ve got what it takes—
but God, don’t put it off.

Psalm 40, The Message

 

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2 thoughts on “He Knows

    1. Love you Linda! Wish I could see you. Freedom in Christ makes me do crazy things. I don’t want to keep the Good News to myself. I hope people see Jesus through my cracked shell. Thank you for all you’ve done to help me.

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