I know very little about God
He knows everything about me
He knows that right now as I’m typing this, I’m shaking like a leaf
He knows that my mind has been working overtime to figure out how to pay those bills
He knows that I just read Jesus Calling and the tears started to flow
He knows that I was up at 3 a.m. and did more talking than heeded His words to BE STILL
He knows that I’ve been working through some resentments
He knows that I’m thinking I might walk up to the altar tonight to get a chip
He knows I still have a supply of masks on hand
He knows there are those few people I want to please at all costs
He knows my fear of rejection paralyzes me all too often
He knows that it’s hard for me to take life one moment at a time like the serenity prayer says
He knows that I’m so grateful that I have a safe place where it’s okay to fall apart
He knows that I can’t wait to go hiking again at my favorite place
He knows that I feel more connected to him walking on a trail by the creek than I do walking into church
He knows that I am more myself with people who admit they too are a mess desperate for His grace
He knows that I often look at my daughter and wonder how I was afforded the privilege to be her mom
He knows that I often wonder about the damage I’ve done to her precious soul
He knows I wish the world wasn’t one big masquerade ball
He knows I still have the words of those who wanted me to “just get over it” traveling through my mind
He knows that I’m laughing more these days
He knows that I’m not as scared as I used to be that He’ll leave me
He knows that sometimes I dream that I’ll find love again
He also knows that sometimes I wonder if “love again” is worth the pain
He knows that I am grateful for honest pastors
He knows that I have about 10 blog topics in my mind
He knows I weary of the striving and often just want to rest in His lap
He knows that I need reminders of his grace all day
He knows that I finally burned out on self-sufficient “checklist” Christianity
He knows that my prayers don’t follow a formula
He knows that my “quiet time” more often than not happens after a 3 a.m. panic attack
He knows that I have a pile of post-it note prayers in my desk
He knows that I want to be listened to more than given advice
He knows that Psalm 40 has been my go-to scripture lately
He knows that I love the words IT IS FINISHED
He knows more about me than what I’ve shared here or even what I know
He knows what I most desire is to BE FREE
I know that He provided the payment through His precious son, but so often I have to say “Lord, help my unbelief!”
1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God.
At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.
4-5 Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God,
turn your backs on the world’s “sure thing,”
ignore what the world worships;
The world’s a huge stockpile
of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
Nothing and no one
comes close to you!
I start talking about you, telling what I know,
and quickly run out of words.
Neither numbers nor words
account for you.
6 Doing something for you, bringing something to you—
that’s not what you’re after.
Being religious, acting pious—
that’s not what you’re asking for.
You’ve opened my ears
so I can listen.
7-8 So I answered, “I’m coming.
I read in your letter what you wrote about me,
And I’m coming to the party
you’re throwing for me.”
That’s when God’s Word entered my life,
became part of my very being.
9-10 I’ve preached you to the whole congregation,
I’ve kept back nothing, God—you know that.
I didn’t keep the news of your ways
a secret, didn’t keep it to myself.
I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.
I didn’t hold back pieces of love and truth
For myself alone. I told it all,
let the congregation know the whole story.
11-12 Now God, don’t hold out on me,
don’t hold back your passion.
Your love and truth
are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me,
a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt
I couldn’t see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.
13-15 Soften up, God, and intervene;
hurry and get me some help,
So those who are trying to kidnap my soul
will be embarrassed and lose face,
So anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable
will be heckled and disgraced,
So those who pray for my ruin
will be booed and jeered without mercy.
16-17 But all who are hunting for you—
oh, let them sing and be happy.
Let those who know what you’re all about
tell the world you’re great and not quitting.
And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing:
make something of me.
You can do it; you’ve got what it takes—
but God, don’t put it off.
Psalm 40, The Message