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I Haven’t Forgotten

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I haven’t forgotten what it is like to be young. I haven’t forgotten how scary it is. I haven’t forgotten all the pressures placed upon me by the world to be “good”, get straight A’s, be popular, be beautiful, be happy, be social, be athletic, be grown-up, be responsible, be more like her, be acne-free, be skinny, etc. I haven’t forgotten the feeling I got when I drank my first wine cooler and for years found I could hide behind alcohol. I haven’t forgotten what it was like to be kissed for the first time. I haven’t forgotten how empty inside I would feel at times. I haven’t forgotten the fear that in a few years I would be out in the world on my own.  I haven’t forgotten what it feels like to break my parents hearts and live with shame and regret for years. I haven’t forgotten that phone call from dad when he begged me to come home, but I hung up on him and chose a loser boyfriend instead. I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to be cheated on. I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to feel like I’ll never measure up. I haven’t forgotten the chaos of prom night. I haven’t forgotten that I didn’t want anything to do with God for many years. I haven’t forgotten God’s still, small voice calling me to his unconditional love and begging him to give me more time. I haven’t forgotten the guilt that I would feel when I would go to church knowing I was breaking God’s commandments. I haven’t forgotten how heartbreaking it is to lose friends. I haven’t forgotten that I thought many times “mom and dad should have disowned me by now”, but they never did. I haven’t forgotten how scary it was to tell my parents I was pregnant, and they loved me still. I haven’t forgotten that I almost killed myself with drugs and alcohol. I haven’t forgotten that so many times I was depressed but didn’t tell a soul. I haven’t forgotten how fun it was to have dad drive me up to college one semester and we jammed out to The Doors the whole way. I haven’t forgotten the look on my dad’s face when he knew I was throwing my future away for a boy who didn’t really care about me. I haven’t forgotten what it is like to blame my parents for everything – and now know they sacrificed so much for me and my brothers and that my crappy behavior wasn’t their fault. I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to still be loved when I didn’t deserve it AT ALL. I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to be down to nearly nothing. I haven’t forgotten all the secrets I’ve held inside. I haven’t forgotten what it is like to see my dad die knowing there were things I left unsaid.

I haven’t forgotten that I finally went to God with all of my broken pieces. He scooped me up in His arms and told me He has loved me since before I was even a thought in my parents mind.

The Lord appeared to us in the past saying; “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindess” Jeremiah 31:3 NIV

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