It is amazing how quickly I can disintegrate and wind up in the pit. The disintegration can be triggered by a memory, a visit to my bank account online (oh crap (yes I’ve been known to say crap)..I forgot about that automatic debit!), a text, a phone call, or something posted on social media. It can lead to a panic attack, binge-fest, or a deep desire to find a cabin in the woods and become a hermit.
I’ve noticed something – I bloat up like a puffer fish when I get angry. For those of you who don’t think it’s possible for me to angry – think again. It happens, and when it does it’s not pretty. My problem is I usually hold it in for days, weeks, months, years…very unhealthy. I hold the angry thoughts in my mind where they mate and have little angry children thoughts – suddenly my mind is so full of thoughts that they start pushing on my skull and that not so pretty thing we call a migraine makes an entrance into my life. This is happening today…so anything I post today can be blamed on that. I’m so not in my right mind. My body bloats up too. I start feeling like the insane version of the Pillsbury Dough Boy and wish someone would poke my belly so hard that my “loving oven” would explode so I can breathe again. (Note: I didn’t even know that puffer fish existed until Finding Nemo)
I just love how the world encourages me to bottle up my feelings – NOT. A history of bottling up my feelings is what led to my downfall…okay, one of the many things that led to my downfall. I guess it also led me to recovery, which is good. In recovery I finally feel safe enough to share how I am truly feeling deep, deep down inside. Plus, I get 3-5 minutes of UNINTERRUPTED time every week to do it…and even more than that if I’m in a step study. And guess what? My sharing buddies are discouraged from trying to “fix” me because we are reminded every week that we are not God and that God is the healer. It is glorious!
I can’t live up to your expectations. Period. The End. Okay maybe not, because I need to share this quote: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Author Unknown
I used to hate tears. I thought they were wrong…until I came to terms with the fact that Jesus wept. Although I don’t often have cry-fests in public, I’ve learned to embrace the gift of tears and give them permission to flow. Why would I deny myself or anyone else the God-given gift of shedding tears?
I work in a cubicle. I like my little cubicle walls that surround me and keep my safe, but my cubicle has an opening where people poke their heads in and ask me questions ALL DAY LONG (okay, probably exaggerating here, but I’m an introvert so more than 5 times a day is too much…sad excuse I know). I shouldn’t complain, because that must mean I’m needed which keeps me employed, but I’m going to continue anyway just cause I have this platform where I can share and hopefully release some of the bloat (see Anger). I also get to enjoy the cubicle orchestra which includes humming, chomping, gossip, conference calls, hacking (as in coughing up a lung) and clanging spoons. Oh, and the fluorescent lighting adds to the orchestral ambiance. Please see Anger above – I am in the early stages of a migraine – so you can only imagine. PS – I am very grateful for my job, today has just been one of those days.
I gave up bread, pasta and sweets over a week ago. Just another reason for you to forgive me for this insane post…or not. My body is screaming “What are you doing to me?”
Disclaimer: The lesson I am working on in our step study this week is Sanity. As you can probably see, God is really helping me get in touch with my insanity so I can delve deeply into that homework.