“As women, we usually find it easier than men to talk about how we feel. But, some pains go so deep and feel so personal that no one else can fully understand our heartache. Even the most empathetic of friends or family can only go so far and no further.” Sheila Walsh, The Storm Inside
I was praying. I was wrestling with God – well, actually I thought He was done wrestling with me. I thought He had had it with me. I thought He had already written me off. My nightmares, the thoughts cycling through my mind, the condemnation I felt, the scriptures I was reading, all confirmed to me that I was already headed to hell. Still, I was going to anyone who would listen hoping they had some answer, some loophole, some last-ditch effort to save me. Many tried, believe me they tried, but as the quote claims, they didn’t know the very personal heartache I was struggling through. I tried to explain it, but the words just came out all wrong and the pain went so very deep that I don’t even think there were words.
Tullian Tchividjian says “explanations are a substitute for trust.” There clearly was no human explanation for it. I reached a point where I wrote on a piece of notebook paper “OK, Lord, your voice is the only voice I want to hear!”
I don’t condone isolation, but I do encourage getting alone with Jesus, handing Him all the broken pieces, and sitting still waiting to hear from Him. When all the other voices were drowned out, He showed up in a mighty way (well, he was always there, I was just finally still enough to recognize Him). He reminded me that “IT IS FINISHED!”. He quieted me with His singing. He lavished love on me. He bathed me in His mercy and grace. He drew me back to the Word, as well as a new understanding of it thanks to some good teachers. He reminded me that nothing could separate me from His love. He introduced new voices and He showed me that the voices who spoke to me during that dark time love me…but, that only He is my savior. He gently ushered me to a healing community.
“When we are in doubt or difficulty, when many voices urge this course or the other, then let us be still, hushing each intruder, calming ourselves in the sacred hush of God’s presence; let us study His Word in the attitude of devout attention, let us lift up our nature into the pure light of His face, eager only to know what God the Lord shall determine – and ere long a very distinct impression will be made, the unmistakable forthtelling of His secret counsel….Are you in difficulty about your way? Go to God with your question; get direction from the light of His smile or the cloud of His refusal.
If you will only get alone, where the lights and shadows of earth cannot interfere, where human opinions fail to reach – and if you will dare to wait there silent and expectant, though all around you insist on immediate decision or action – the will of God will be made clear; and you will have a new conception of God, a deeper insight into His nature and heart of love, which shall be for yourself alone.” Author Unknown